Human Downsizing
My AFTER Blogs largely share observations and lessons about the pursuit of Justice. This Blog however is about human behavior and what you should brace yourself for after your abuse becomes public knowledge. Firstly I will focus on family, friends, acquaintances and idle spectators. I’ll get to the “experts” another day.
If/when you put an end to your abuse you will drown in an onslaught of opinion and advice. In the 3-years since I was last attacked I have been on the receiving end of popular wisdom from friends, family, doctors, lawyers (buckets of those), Law and Order professionals, people of Faith, social workers, psychologists, nonprofit organizations and ………..
You get my point! I have heard the good, the bad and the ugly. The useful and the useless. Stuff that is invaluable, and other stuff that is just plain nonsense. My insights are best summed up by the quote ‘There are none so strange as folk’
People tend to fall into four main buckets when it comes to Intimate Partner Abuse. These 4 quadrants are shaped by whether they are:
ENLIGHTENED OR UNINFORMED - about Intimate partner Abuse.
ACCEPTING OR JUDGMENTAL - in their reaction to your Abuse.
Bucket 1. Enlightened and Accepting – This group is where Wisdom resides, serving as your fuel and sustenance.
Bucket 2. Enlightened and Judgmental – This group will Use you as a means to an end.
Bucket 3. Uninformed and Accepting – This group is pure Love and they will keep you sane.
Bucket 4. Uninformed and Judgmental – This group needs to go to Hell – and they probably will.
When the news breaks that you have lived for xx months/years with Intimate Partner Abuse, the emotional shit will hit the fan. Every memory I have of those initial months is that everyone reacted with stupefied shock and horror. Well, almost everyone! There were the smug few who admitted they knew what was going on but decided to stand idly by. They saw but they didn’t want to look in case they had to DO something.
If someone you care about is trapped in the Hell that is Intimate Partner Abuse, and you know/suspect this is the case, then read, research, ask questions, discover, learn, seek ‘expert’ support … and then wait silently but knowledgeably ready for that day when they finally reach out for help. Unbeaten.org exists in an effort to shine a tiny light into the dark corners of ignorance.
LessoN- Knowledge is everyone’s best weapon.
There is no easy way to tell the people that matter to you that the person they thought you loved, and supposedly loved you, had been using you as their personal punching bag. But my experience was that after the initial shock of the news things got really interesting!
Some wanted to break into jail “to kill the bastard”. What I had been living with devastated them and I accept that I can never undo the emotional distress I caused. Tragically, I can never ‘unring that bell.’
Others stabbed me in the heart with the dagger of their ignorance. They felt I should lie in the bed I’d made and self-castigate. They blamed me for the choices I had made and felt there was no viable excuse.
Some stood by my side with unconditional love through the endless months of seeking Justice.
Others dropped me like a hot potato. I was tainted goods. This is where “shame and blame” lives.
Some humbled me with their non-judgmental acceptance even though it was apparent that I had been lying to them for years about my life
Others relentlessly fed off my story, interrogating me for more and more lurid details. I was Prime Time entertainment
Some I never expected a thing from, nurtured and supported me in ways that were selfless and wondrous.
Others judged and gossiped, or most repulsive of all, offered endless vacuous platitudes. They were awash with advice but bankrupt when it came to action.
Lessons Learned: When it comes to friends and family you will simultaneously celebrate the gift of unconditional love while clutching where you’ve been punched in the gut. You will learn you can be brought to your knees by unimaginable kindness and by unforgivable cruelty.
But ultimately you will see humanity more clearly.
I’ll sum up the human reaction you need to prepare yourself for with a story. Let me say upfront I am not striving to belittle this person. They did that all by themselves. This story merely serves to illustrate how poorly equipped people are to understand Intimate Partner Abuse. This is a story of ignorance, not ill-intent.
Sometime after Todd’s arrest I was invited to a BBQ by some friends. One of the people sitting around the dining table had lost her only son the year before. She had endured a tragedy that defies words. But she was finally able to engage with others and share the lessons that her incredible loss had taught her. In essence she vowed she would never again judge people. She’d had the realization that - “But for the grace of God there go I.” We celebrated her newfound wisdom. But less than an hour later she regaled the group with a story about a ‘fool of a woman’ in her Bible study group who would not leave her abusive marriage. Judgmental vomit spewed out of her mouth as she berated this woman.
So what’s the point of sharing this story?
It is merely one example of how most people just don’t know any better. She highlighted for me that even people who have been brought to their knees by loss and grief are incapable of transcending the “shame and blame” that surrounds Intimate Partner Abuse. To stay sane you have to accept that you will encounter much ignorance. So put on your suit of armor and with a smile on your face silently say – “F*^K YOU!”
I have found that seeing the baser nature of people has been truly cleansing. Kinda like the feeling you get when you ‘downsize’. That sense of ‘lightness’ after you’ve driven your trash to the dump, held a garage sale and donated the balance to Goodwill. Decluttering teaches you to hold onto what brings you joy, to appreciate what matters, to value the valuable, and to liberate yourself from what drags you down. We all understand financial budgeting. I have learned the importance of emotional-energy budgeting. I wish I had decades ago.