Chapter 3: Part 2 - Why I Stayed

RED FLAGS.

So what about warning signs that should alert you to the fact that something is amiss? 

In my case Todd did not lay a finger on me for the first 20 months that I knew him! I now understand that this is known as the “Grooming” period. In order for an abuser to gain Power & Control (see the Intimate Partner Abuse Wheel in ‘My Story’) they need to get you to love them before they start beating you up, or milking you emotionally and/or financially dry.

A Psychology Today post from Feb 19th 2019, explains “Grooming” as follows:
“Violent and controlling relationships may begin with overwhelming attention, sweet words, and gifts that make future victims close their eyes to the red flags indicating potential abuse. Abusers Often Come On Strong.
Intense romance can be a form of grooming. A predatory
tactic meant to build a deep emotional connection.”

Were there ‘red flags’ during the 20 months before the beatings began? YES! There were hints of financial exploitation from around the second month. But here’s the thing about ‘red flags.’ If you’ve already become emotionally attached to someone you don’t want to see them. You ignore the isolated red flag, or you explain it away, or you pretend it doesn’t really matter, or if you address it with your intimate partner you ‘buy’ his/her explanation. But eventually when there are ENOUGH red flags beating you over the head, you face the truth.

But by then it can be too late. It was for me. 

As Gladwell points out – we need a “trigger” to break free from our natural need to believe, “but the threshold for triggers is high.” He provides this example:

“You ask your husband if he is having an affair, and he says ‘No’, and you believe him. Your default is that he is telling the truth. And whatever little inconsistencies you spot in his story, you explain away. But three months later you happen to notice an unusual hotel charge on his credit-card bill, and the combination of that and the weeks of unexplained absences and mysterious phone calls pushes you over the edge. That’s how lies are detected”
(pgs. 85/ 86 “Talking To Strangers”)

It’s about the quantity of Red Flags.

So that’s another glimpse into why I (and so very many others) stay/stayed.