Chapter 3: Part 1 - Why I Stayed

As I get into the ‘meat’ of the UNBEATEN Blogs I must remind the reader that I am NOT a lawyer, a mental health expert, a Law Enforcement official, or a medical professional. 

I am just an ordinary person who survived extraordinary Intimate Partner Abuse. 

My Blogs are personal observations and insights shaped by my experiences while living in Atlanta, Georgia, and Hays County, Austin, Texas, over a 9-year period (Jan 2011 - Dec 2019). I share what I learned in the hope that you, or someone you care about, will derive some value from my experience.

I imagine if you have read this far you have a hint of the abuse I endured. And if you are like every person I have shared ‘My Story’ with, there has to be one question you want to scream out loud. It’s always the same question. “WHY DID YOU STAY?”

I know! I get it! And I will answer you. But before I do, one observation always fascinates me.
The first question is never, “WHY DID HE DO IT?” Interesting!

STAYING PART 1 - PROGRAMMED TO TRUST.

If you are currently in or have been in an abusive relationship I hope that by better understanding why you stay/stayed, you will find some peace, and hopefully take some action. I also hope to help prevent those currently ‘unscathed’ from stumbling into an abusive relationship. But more than anything I hope to reduce the deafening ‘shame and blame’ noise that emanates from ignorance and misperceptions.

I recently read Malcolm Gladwell’s book “Talking To Strangers.” As an abuse victim I found it a provocative read that poses (among many) the question; ‘Why can’t we always tell when someone is lying to our face?’ Gladwell’s book stopped me in my tracks when he suggested that perhaps it’s not that there is something wrong with the liars and deceivers as much as there could be something wrong with us!

Like many, I assumed that most people are honest. Like many, I try to believe that most people are ‘good’. And in order to live sane and productive lives we cannot mistrust or be suspicious of everyone we meet or get close to. Our natural and normal program is set to ‘believe,’ making us ill-equipped to spot cunning con-men (women), devious predators, or pre-meditated abusers. Our natural inclination to trust is how victims of Intimate Partner Abuse initially get sucked in.