Chapter 8 - Gut-Smart Survival
examining the differences in my 2 Law Enforcement experiences.
(Detailed in previous Blog)
In part I believe I was lucky.
And in part I was smart. Not intellectually smart. Gut-Smart. Survival-Smart.
The lucky part.
I was indeed fortunate that the Hays County police who arrived at my door that night were clearly trained in how to deal with a traumatized person. They knew how to manage a volatile Domestic Violence situation. They were dispassionate but dedicated to a fair and safe outcome. And subsequently I have learned they enjoy the support of an experienced Sheriff and committed staff in the DAs office. The system works! And these guys have heart. How lucky I was that some really decent, trained, god-fearing men arrived at my door.
Here is a glimpse into “Trauma Informed Law Enforcement 101” and the treatment you should hope for.
Key standard practices include:
- Use a calm voice and reassure them that they are now SAFE. Only when a chaotic situation has been calmed down can a victim cooperate.
- Use respectful language to build trust
- Provide the victim with key information. When there is poor understanding there will be poor cooperation.
- Allow the victim a few safe choices. This empowers them and creates a sense of control. This in turn increases the feeling of safety and trust.
My Hays County Law Enforcement officers, led by Deputy Eric Zediker under Sheriff Gary Cutler’s leadership, practiced ALL of these behaviors. The quality of their training was apparent!
My Atlanta Law Enforcement experience was the exact opposite.
Need I say more?
Gut-Smart /Survival-Smart mode.
If you don’t get lucky you should try really, really hard to own the smart part.
Here are the 4 ways I learned to be gut-smart to survive. Hey, the ‘experts’ might disagree. I suggest you run this by them and then decide what’s right for you.
1. As best as you can try to keep your head together. I have the Bodycam footage of when I opened the door the night the Hays County police arrived. Through my ‘today-eyes’ I can see what a dithering, pathetic, frightened wreck I was. I begged the police to leave. I begged them to pretend they were just “looking for a lost dog”. Seriously! That’s how dazed and afraid I was.
Yes, you too will be traumatized. You will no doubt have just been beaten up. You hurt, and are terrified and confused beyond description. But …. if you are hysterical, if you are incoherent, if you scream or freeze – YOU alone will have to deal with the consequences of the police not being informed enough to help you. Your LIFE is at stake here. Try to tell your story. Try to explain your situation. Try to give yourself the best shot at a safe outcome.
If they leave, like the Atlanta police left me, you too could live through many more nightmarish years as I did.
Or worse!
Think about it like you’ve just been in a car wreck and the life of someone you love depends on you being sane and calm. That your actions can save a life…or not. it’s up to you.
In the situation where the police arrive at your door, the person you need to love and save is YOU.
You can disintegrate later.
2. If you have evidence, produce it. Help the police to appreciate what you are enduring. Because I was so battered and bruised, because I had collected evidence across time, the police were better equipped to act according to the law. You must help them to help you.
(In a prior Blog I will touched on the topic of Evidence. I will touch on it again in future Blogs. Of course I am 100% aware of the risks. I am equally aware of the consequences of not having any.)
You have a much better chance of being believed if you have something to show the police. Think about it like this. Insurance does not pay out a claim without supporting evidence. An employee will not hire you without proof of your training and experience. You will not be paid disability or unemployment without the necessary documentation. A reported rape is strengthened by DNA evidence. Intimate Partner Abuse when the police become involved is no different. Except so very much more is at stake than an insurance claim. Like your Life.
3. Do NOT lie. Do not make stuff up to fill the holes in your memory, or to strengthen your case. You will be questioned. A lot. And often. Yes, you will probably get the order of your abuse mixed up. I could not work out if I had been strangled and then punched in the face – or vice versa. You will forget chunks of time. I could not recall how I had gone from the living room to the kitchen to the bedroom. You will not know the answers to some of the questions. At times the trauma of that evening made it feel like I was being questioned in Japanese. Somewhere in the process in the months ahead I was asked, under oath, if Deputy Eric Zediker had informed me about an Emergency Protective Order. I said “No”. I honesty, genuinely had zero recall, but I now have Bodycam evidence of how often he told me. Deputy Eric, I am so sorry!
But I never lied about my abuse. And neither must you!
You will be repeatedly questioned in the months ahead. You are not going to be smart enough to keep any lies straight. But the truth is the truth is the truth. It is all that will unequivocally stand by your side on the journey through the Criminal Justice System.
4. Think very carefully about recanting. I am sure that over time you have been manipulated into ‘learned submission’. That you love/loved your abuser. That fear is your constant companion now that he/she has been arrested and the Criminal Justice machine has been set in motion. And that you have no clue what ‘price you might have to pay.’
Only you can make the decision about recanting. But please reflect on the alternatives:
About the life you will return to.
About how the ‘next time’ you might not be saved in time.
About the legal consequences of making a ‘false statement’.
About the impact on the future motivation of the people who come to your rescue.
About how much harder it is for other Victims of IPA to be believed when recanting becomes the norm.
I just pray that if you are living in an abusive relationship that you do not recant once you finally become brave enough to reach out to Law Enforcement for Help.